SheffGens
Family and Social History
Take Five
Take a break from genealogy, pour yourself a cuppa
or something a little stronger and be mildly amused
What sort of day did you have at the office dear?
"Catastophic ! The computer broke down and we all had to think"
Each decade brings a 300 fold increase in the complexity available to the computer. At this rate, computers will exceed the complexity of the human brain between about AD 2010 and 2020. Sadly whatever we do to advance our powers, we can also do for robots ... and they are likely to be faster thinkers than we are. Perhaps they will be kind enough to keep us as pets.
Ten commandments for computer operators
1. Always work as part of a team. That way you always have someone to blame when things go wrong.
2. The best way to keep your job is to get things so mixed up on your first day that they cant afford to fire you.
3. Beware of any computer installation that has heel indentations all up and down the front of it.
4. Anything you learned about computers 2 weeks ago is already out of date.
5. Dont waste time trying to work out mistakes. Work out who is to blame.
6. Never let the computer know your in a hurry.
7. Try to become involed in the decision making process. Insist on letting you toss the coin once in a while.
8. Theres never time to do it perfectly but theres always time to do it again.
9. Plugging it in might help.
10. If all else fails, read the manual.
The world was once divided into those who used computers and those who didnt. No more it isnt. The new world is divided into those who have watched helplessly as their computers have crashed and those who are waiting for it to happen.
Over the office computer was a large sign which read:
TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY.
A week later someone had added:
AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY
The six phases of a new computer installation:
1. General enthusiasm
2. Complete confusion
3. General disillusionment
4. Search for the guilty parties
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Promotion of non participants
When does a computer become obsolete ?
The day after you learn how to use it
You know your computer is obsolete when it starts every sentence with:
1. It wasnt like that in my day
2. A new piece of software comes onto the market
3. Its the year 2003
4. That strange burning smell becomes overpowering
Definitions
Compress = Reducing the size of files you should throw away
Computer Conference = A collection of computer executives in a resort bragging to each other about how smart they are.
Electronic mail = A method of recieving messages you cannot understand, from people you dont know, concerning things you dont care about.
Hard disk = A device that enables you to keep files you dont want or need
Multimedia = The unneccessary in search of the undoable.
Test drive kit = A demo version of software intended to convince people to buy something they dont need from people they dont trust with money they dont have.
Server = Software that enables other people to crash your computer
Warranty = The time period during which your computer does not break.
A computer expert is someone who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.
The function of a computer expert is not neccessarily to be right but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
Why a computer is better than your date
Computers can be swithched off when you are finished with them.
They never say "I have a headache"
They remember everything you want them to remember but forget you want them to forget
They are always willing to listen to you when you talk
They dont get annoyed when you forget their birthday
They are never rude to your friends
They dont dump you for other people
They dont get jealous when you spend time with other computers.
The world of work is really intimidating. After years at college and post graduate study plus work training. They sit you at a tiny desk in front of a little machine thats cleverer than you are...............................
The intimidating computer
In the old days it was important to be able to run down a deer and kill it with one blow to the forehead. That skill has become much less important. Now all that matters is if you can install your own software without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
"Arithmetic is easy for you " said the 5yr old to his father. "You can work it out in your head. I have to use a computer"
The Ministry of defence once sent an order to Ladybird Books for a title on the workings of computers.
When Ladybird Books pointed out that their books were aimed at children of about 9yrs of age, the Ministry of Defence thanked them for the information and confirmed the order
Progress ? Oh yeah, isnt that where you replace a £200 a week clerk with a £2,000,000 computer ?
Nowadays an underprivileged family is one thats making do with last years word processor
Theres a rumour going around that manufacturers are planning to tell their customers how long their computers will last.
Two minutes longer than the final payment
Laws of computing
By the time a program has been completely debugged its is obsolete.
Programs will expand to take up all available memory
There is always one more bug
Computers always crash the day before you intend doing a backup
When you finally buy more memory you will not have enough disk space
The price of a computer will be slashed the week after you buy it
All computers are obsolete
Printers go faulty ten minutes before an important meeting
A computer makes more mistakes in two minutes than twenty people working for twenty years
Your password always expired yesterday
If Murphy had used a computer his "law" would have been lost when the machine crashed
A computer can workout a complicated mathmatical computation in a few minutes. A job that would take a human mind many many years to compute.
How does it do this ?
It makes everything up................ Whos going to spend years checking it all out ?
You know your computer is female if.................
The manual is 600 pages long but the first 590 are dedicated to the screen colour and fonts
You have to wait 30 mins for it to get ready before it will do anything
It expects you to but it flowers
It wants to talk incessantly
There are more than 100 items in its cd drive
You know your computer is male if .......................
Within weeks of purchase you find a better model
It looks neat and tidy until you get it home
Every few minitues it emits a strange smelling burping sort of noise
It has a 14 inch monitor screen but believes it is the latest 21 inch high tech model
It refuses to do anything for your mother
It performs well in the lounge, mediocre in the bedroom, and not at all in the kitchen
Genealogy
My family coat of arms ties at the
back ... is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...
I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help ...
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
It's 2004 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Am I the only person up my tree ... sure seems like it.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your
priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Documentation ...The hardest part of genealogy.
Always willing to share my ignorance ...
I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!
Art Fregeau
Quips were extracted from Computer Quips unless otherwise stated